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TV personality and Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison has revealed in her new book The Secret to Happy that she will 'never forgive herself' for a club fight that left her feeling suicidal and 'out of control'.
Vicky, 34, who has just released her debut self help book on 'how to quash your inner doubts, overcome fear and live a happier life', has reflected on some of the moments in her life as part of the book.
These include the time that she was charged with assaulting someone in a club on a night out in 2014 and how she subsequently turned her life around after feeling suicidal and 'out of control'.
Calling the incident "one of the biggest mistakes" of her life, she added: "I have never forgiven myself for that fight.
"You can forgive drunken fights with your friends, kissing someone when you shouldn't, cheating on a school test, but you can never forgive yourself for hurting someone, and you can never forget how inflicting that pain on someone made you feel."
Vicky added that following the court case, which lasted around six months, she was left feeling suicidal, saying: "The guilt and horror of it nearly made me take my own life.
"If I forget that event and those feelings it sparked, who knows what I could become again. It's painful, but I don't know if the alternative is worth thinking about. I wouldn't be here."
In a later chapter of the book, Vicky also explains how she had felt out of control while appearing on Geordie Shore and how these feelings came to a head following the court case.
"When I was feeling suicidal I was so out of control, I felt like I had no say over my future. I felt like I had to take on the chin whatever people decided about me and I lost it. I lost my head."
However, talking about the incident in an earlier chapter, the star goes on to explain how the moment helped to turn her life around, adding: "That moment was pivotal in my life and made me realise the person I didn't want to be."
After being charge with assault and affray, the star was given 180 hours community service and a £10,000 fine, with Vicky explaining that she would make a club appearance one night and then complete her charity shop community service the next day.
During this time she also realised that she had been on a dark path before the incident and subsequently committed to turning her life around, which included taking the step to leave Geordie Shore.
She said: "Whatever trajectory I was on, I can see now that it was an incredibly scary one.
"Drinking too much to cover my anxiety, shouting to cover up my insecurities and if that fight hadn't of happened, I would have continued on this scary, dark path, even though it was destroying me.
"I wish it [the fight] had never taken place and I wish I'd never hurt anybody, because I will never not be disappointed in myself for that."
She adds: "I turned my whole life around. I became someone I was proud to look at in the mirror.
"I saved my relationships with my good friends and family and I nurture them everyday. I've found real pleasure in my life."
It is one of the many moments in her life that Vicky discusses in her book, including how a chance encounter with an MTV producer on a night out led to her landing a role in Geordie Shore, her experiences of the reality TV show and how she uses exercise as a tool to boost her mental wellbeing.
Throughout the book, Vicky uses her own experiences to help others in their own lives and looking back on the 2014 court case and her feelings at the time, she explains to readers that these bad moments will not last forever.
She says: "If anyone feels as helpless as I found myself at that time in my life, I want you to know that you will have bad moments and bad days, bad weeks, but they don't last forever.
"When you're in the thick of despair it's difficult to believe that, I certainly couldn't believe it at the time. I didn't think I would have a good day again."
The Secret to Happy by Vicky Pattison is available now in Waterstones, Amazon and other stores.
The book published in hardback by Sphere, £16.99, eBook and audio also available.
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- Vicky Pattison
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