Top Sheets Are Stupid. There, I Said It.

Top Sheet (n): A flat linen that starts tucked into your bed and ends in a crumpled disaster, exposing your feet to the air in the middle of the night and creating more work for you in the morning.

I have a lot of feelings about top sheets, also known as flat sheets, also known as the useless linen that comes with the rest of your bedding set and might as well get thrown in the trash immediately. That might be a little harsh—I don’t throw them out. But I do have a shelf in my apartment where all my top top sheets go to die. They only come back from the dead when I have guests (I don’t like) spend the night on my couch.

Listen, I won’t argue that these long pieces of fabric don’t have some purpose. They’re meant to be a barrier between you and your comforter because we’re all kind of sweaty and sweat means fungal which means germs, and, well, you get it. But, really, I’d rather wash my duvet or comforter on the regular than deal with the daily struggle of a top sheet. Plus, that thing only makes you sweat more. It’s really just a trap.

Have two people ever slept comfortably in the same bed with a flat sheet? I’d argue that no, they have not. It goes like this: Two people go to bed comfortably underneath one top sheet. As the night goes on, one person (or maybe both) starts to get sweaty and one (or maybe both) starts to toss and turn. The formerly tucked sheet comes undone and decides to trap one partner. At that point, the other person gets cold and begins playing a classic game of top-sheet tug-of-war. Eventually, the person who was taken in by the sheet realizes they are sweaty and unable to move their limbs and they decide to kick it off until it’s in a ball at the bottom of the bed.

All top sheets really do is create extra work in your day-to-day life. When you’re making your bed in the morning, you have to get the wrinkled and disheveled linen to cooperate and tuck it back in to place. When you’re sleeping, it disrupts you and makes you wake up because it either fell off in your sleep and now you’re shivering or it’s wrapped so tightly around your body, you are a top-sheet burrito. There is zero consistency.

So, for the love of sleeping well at night and not waking up at 3 a.m. because your top sheet came untucked and now your feet are suddenly exposed, do not use one. Place it on a shelf and take it out when someone you’re not totally crazy about invites themselves to stay for the holidays. It’ll be their disaster to deal with.

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