My in-laws are massive swingers and their wrinkly mates want my fresh meat

My new in-laws are ­old-school swingers.

They hold raucous parties ­every Friday night.

She used to be a “high-class hooker” – something she’s extremely proud of – while he never stops boasting about the string of private “adults only” members clubs he ran in the ’90s.

READ MORE: 'My husband's become boring and chooses porn over having sex with me'

Between them they’ve met (and served) lots of famous people. They’ve been around the block and scored a shed load of money.

Now we’re being forced to move in with them because our new house is still a building site.

My in-laws live in a tasteless bungalow I call Tacky Mansion. The walls are bright pink and there are fluffy carpets in every room (including the bathroom).

Outside there’s a pool (complete with blow-up flamingos), a hot tub and disco-themed bar.

The whole heap wouldn’t look out of place in suburban Miami. You get the picture?

I love my wife because she’s nothing like her larger-than-life parents. She was mainly brought up by her grandmother.

She’s oblivious to her exotic mum and dad and their crazy ways because she takes them with a pinch of salt.

But how am I supposed to cope with being under the same roof as them when my mother-in-law tells me her wrinkly mates all fancy me and that they could all do with some “fresh meat” on a Friday night?

My girl tells me to ignore her and “suck it up” because we’re going to be living rent-free for at least six months.

But don’t you think they should curb their excessive ways out of respect for me?

If I’m completely honest, I’m longing for a little peace and quiet this summer.

JANE SAYS: If you’re looking for peace and quiet, then you’re obviously going to the wrong place. Your in-laws sound like a lively pair – but surely, they’re allowed to do whatever they like in the privacy of their own property?

Don’t forget that they are kindly throwing open the doors of their home for you.

You seem a bit sniffy regarding their habits and friends – but what other options do you have? Where else can you stay for six months, for free?

I suggest you get off your high horse and tell them: “Thank you very much.”


If their Friday night parties upset you, then visit mates or your own parents instead. No-one is saying that you have to stay in every night.

As for your mother-in-law, don’t you get the feeling that she enjoys winding you up?

The more you grimace and blush, the bigger kick she gets out of pulling your chain.

Don’t flatter yourself – would you even be able to keep up with these seasoned swingers?

Your wife seems to have the right idea – she lets everything wash over her and gets on with her own life.

I suggest you follow her example.

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