DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancé’s refusal to set a date has pushed me into the arms of another man and now I’m torn between my lover and my family.
I met my fiancé 15 years ago and we have three children together, aged ten, seven and four. I am 40, he is 44.
Twelve years ago he asked me to marry him. I was delighted. But we still haven’t tied the knot and he has always refused to set a date.
I have never really wanted a big white wedding; I just wanted to make our relationship official, and then legal for the kids. But it got to the point where I stopped mentioning it because my fiancé’s lack of commitment hurt.
As time went on, we began to bicker and take each other for granted. Our sex life dried up. We became just friends with kids, so we agreed to separate.
I met a new man, who is 38, and was having fun with him. When my fiancé found out, he begged me to come home. He told me he had realised how much he loved me, and promised we would marry at last.
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I agreed and ended my fling. Last year, I got back together with my fiancé and things were good — we were even having lots of good sex.
But six months in and things went downhill again fast. Any mention of a wedding date led to a row, and we soon stopped having sex once more. He doesn’t even want to spend time with me, so I’ve started texting my ex-lover again and we’ve been meeting up secretly for sex.
I don’t even feel guilty. Unlike my fiancé, he makes me feel sexy, wanted and good about myself, and he’s affectionate.
What should I do? I want to be happy, but don’t want to turn my children’s lives upside down once more by leaving their dad again.
Done wasting your time? For support pack Finding The Right Partner For You, email [email protected]. Read more advice on Facebook, Twitter and at thesun.co.uk/deidre
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable you have sought refuge from your problems in an affair with another man, but you know this won’t last. You need to make a decision before your fiancé finds out and your relationship implodes.
This is no longer about marriage – you can’t expect your fiancé to commit when you are no longer dedicated to him. It’s about deciding if you want to be together and what’s best for your children.
If you want to sort things out, you need to communicate properly and work on the relationship as a couple.
You need to tell him it’s vital you feel loved and cherished, and he needs to be honest about why he has never wanted to marry you.
Relationship counselling will help – contact Relate (relate.org.uk). Also read my support pack, Torn Between Two Men.
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