I feel tormented and cheated on after my partner insisted on a threesome

DEAR DEIDRE:  MY partner insisted that we had a threesome with another woman.

From the start I was against it. Now I can’t get the images of the two of them having sex out of my head.


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I have been with my partner for three years. I am woman of 38 and he is 35.

When we met I had not long come out of a relationship with a guy who was into swinging.

He was 45 and belonged to three swinging clubs.

When I look back, I realise he used me and I was needy enough to fall for it.

I would do most things he wanted because I was desperate to be in a relationship.

In the end I realised I didn’t love him and hated the swinging scene. I felt grubby.

He certainly didn’t love me and just accepted it when I told him we were over.

After that, I wasn’t in a rush to be with someone, but in fact I met my partner a few weeks later.

He is a good guy and we were happy together, although he is less experienced than I am and it eats into him. He kept on at me to swing with him.

I went on to a swinging site to set up a threesome, but then backed out, saying I love him too much to want to do that.

He did accept that but then a woman who had seen my post got in touch. She suggested meeting us and of course my partner was up for it.

So she came round to our flat — this was before the latest Covid restrictions.

She was around 30 and seemed a nice enough person but rather pushy. She and my partner quickly got it on and I had to watch them having sex. I hated it.

I tried to end the evening as soon as I could and burst into tears after she had gone.

My partner comforted me but I can tell since that he’s rather glad about it, like he feels he has evened the score or something.

I am tormented though. It feels like he has cheated in front of me.

I can’t stop seeing the pictures in my head of them having sex – it’s like it’s on a loop.

He watches a lot of porn and doesn’t seem so interested in ordinary sex either. Should I just end it with him?

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NEARLY three out of four women experience pain during sex at some time.

My e-leaflet Self-help For Painful Sex explains common causes and where to find expert treatment.

  • Email me at [email protected] or private-message me via my DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

DEIDRE SAYS: You certainly need to do some serious talking.

Point out to your partner that online porn is designed to be addictive and tends to blunt the appetite for real sex with a real partner. Does he want to risk your relationship?

Say you care for him and think you two could be good together, but only if he shows commitment and puts your feelings before pushing sexual boundaries.

My e-leaflet, Swapping And Swinging, can help and of course these days it brings an automatic risk of spreading Covid.

His response will tell you whether you have a future.

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