Sideswipe: May 14: Old man apple

Weird weddings

“I was an event manager at a mansion that did a lot of weddings … My favourite is probably the one where the entire wedding party started drinking at noon for a 6pm wedding. The groom passed out around 5 and we couldn’t get him up. So I made him a ham sandwich and propped him up in his bed while I hand fed him. Managed to get him and his boys down to the courtyard and then had to run back in and herd the women down. The bride spilled her mimosa all over her dress, two of the bridesmaids couldn’t find their shoes, but everyone was super happy and nice. There were about 150 people at the reception and every single one of them got absolutely hammered. The mother of the bride kept sneaking up on me and hugging me, and the groom made me pose for some photos with them. They also gave me all the leftover wedding cake and a few bottles of wine. I miss them.

Toilet aid for small people

The listing reads: “A Jeff Koons pastiche exploiting glossy bold colours, with cheeky use of yellow making this piece accessible yet overlayed with tones of urgency. The eye is drawn towards the opening, the literal hole through which our hopes, wealth and ultimately lives must pass. The commentary on globalised capitalism is unmistakable: we work hard to achieve but when all is said and done it all ends up going down the drain. However, the subtlety of permanence that exudes from this piece forces one to pause. It may only take a moment to spend a penny, but it takes fifty thousand years to count the cost to mother nature. The plastic is light and flexible yet menacingly enduring. Almost daring one to throw it in the skip and yet, if you listen carefully, you can hear the plea from the Earth Mother “Please, don’t skip! Put it on Trade Me and bring relief to another household! Countless future generations will thank youuuuuu!”

More lentils Keith?

A trifecta of dad jokes

Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in mediaeval times people were called Lance a lot.

People are usually shocked to find out I’m a bad electrician.

People call me self-centred, but that’s enough about them.

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